Don't Even Have To Work

          Wow I can't even believe that tonight I don't even have to work but I am up anyway.  I mean come on I don't have to go back on third for one more night so I could at least sleep tonight.  Of course I can't that is always how it works, but seeing how I slept till 2 today and took almost a three hours nap Sunday I am working on a lot of caught up sleep. 

          Well the talking to Jess hasn't gotten any easier, and I am starting to walk on eggshells to make sure I don't do anything crazy.  I mean really he is truly the love of my life and I want to be with him for the rest of it but I am scared I am going to do something that is going to push him out of my life.  I did give him "me time" today so hopefully things will be ok.  I feel like I didn't push to hard today and I hope and pray I did the right thing.  But being away from him is killing me.  I feel like there is a thousand pound weight sitting on my chest that gets heavier every second that I am away from him.  Ok, yes I will admit that I have problems with being apart.  It is apart of the problems that I am still fighting to deal with.  I am sorry that I have to put this on Jess.  I know people need a break sometime but it is really hard for me.  I think today has been a really bad day when it comes to all the meds I take.  I have taken more Ativan today then I have in a while since we have started dating.  I know that it is because of all my problems that I have and I am still having trouble dealing with them at times.  I just really hope that the problems that I have are not going to push Jess away.  I want him to not have to worry about the problems that I have to deal with.  I am just truly scared that the problems I deal with are going to break our relationship down to nothing.

          I am truly more scared of losing him then getting any problems fixed right now.  I have learned tools to help deal just right now it all seems to much.  Past relationships, especially the recent one I just had things started happening about 6 to 7 months in and Jess and I are now at that mark and I am so scared history will repeat itself.  I know that I shouldn't compare past relationships to mine and Jesse's but I am scared and I do.  I really don't want things to be this way and I truly don't know what to do.  I wish I had help with this.  Some kind of help anything really.

          But on another note, I don't know how this weekend coming up is going to go. I hope it is going to be a great weekend and everything will be great.  After Wednesday I am off Thursday and Friday.  Then I go back to work on third shift Saturday and Sunday.  I am just really hoping that my time with Jess with go amazing.  That we will get to enjoy each other without fights and fusses that have been going on the past few weeks.  I am still truly scared that everyday together will be a fight but I have to look for the good, I am praying for the good.

          So I have put on a goal that I have to lose some weight now.  I was looking back at when me and Jesse started dating just 7 months ago and I was so skinny, yes I know and I might not have looked healthy.  But right now I feel like I have gained five thousand pounds and I am not wanting to be this way.  I am scared that Jess is not going to want me anymore.  I don't want to get way to skinny cause Jesse says he wants a girl with meat on her bones.  But come on now I am sure he doesn't want someone with this much meat on them.  I want to look wonderful for Jess, I want him to be proud that I am the girl he is with.

          Just the things that are said sometimes just make me think and it is scary that it could be true that I don't turn Jesse on.  I am just wanting to be everything to him.  Even the looks that he wants and longs after.  I want to be his everything.  So I am going to work my butt off to get that way.

So the Plan:

          Plan for tomorrow is hopefully here in a bit I am going to get some workout clothes on and go for a jog before it gets way to hot out there.  Then I am going to come get dressed and work on washing some clothes.  (Which I need to do more than anything.)  I have to be at Rachel's house at 10:30 to keep Ahna and Joseph for her while she takes Isabell to the dentist.  Then tomorrow afternoon I have to pick Chan up from school and bring her home.  I am going to see the love of my life after that, getting ready for work there and going to work third shift.  Yep that would be the plan tomorrow, now how well I stick to it we will just have to see.

          Hopefully things will go good tomorrow.  Hope yall have a great day

          <3Ken<3

          I haven't post a song in a straight minute and I was sitting here listening to music as I wrote and this song just came on.  This song means something to me not the words really but the song was one of the songs on the CD me and Jess listened to in his truck the first night we met.  So this song with always have a special place in my heart.

     Some Fools Never Learn 

     Steve Wariner

All my friends
Say I should leave you alone
You got a heart like a stone
And a wanderin' eye

And I know that they're right
I can make up my mind
Not to see you again
But you move through my dreams like the wind
It's no good to pretend
It won't happen again
Cause it'll happen again

Some fools never learn
Play with the fire
And you're gonna get burned
It's only love
When you're loved in return
Some fools never learn
Some fools never learn

And Baby I tried
But I'm just not that strong
Guess I knew all along
But that's not enough
I was falling in love

And you don't know it
But I came over tonight
There was somebody's car parked outside
Damn my eyes
Damn this heart of mine
I drove off into the night

Some fools never learn
Play with the fire
And you're gonna get burned
It's only love
When your loved in return
Some fools never learn
Some fools never learn

Somewhere in the city tonight
There's a girl and she's lonely like me
She'll be easy to see
And naturally
She'll have that look in her eye
She'll be feeling that way
I see it all plain as day
Oh I'll never be
What she wants me to be
Oh but lucky for me

Some fools never learn
Play with the fire
And you're gonna get burned
It's only love
When your loved in return
Some fools never learn
Some fools never learn
Some fools never learn

Then the next song that started playing was the song I played for Jess right before I kissed him for the first time.  The memories just make me smile I swear.

     Kiss A Girl

     Keith Urban

To kiss and tell it's just not my style
But the night is young and it's been awhile
And she broke my heart, broke it right in two
And it took some time but I'm feeling like I'm
Finally ready to find, find somebody new

Chorus:
I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic in the moonlight
Don't wanna go too far just take it slow
But I shouldn't be lonely in this big 'ol world
I wanna kiss a girl

It's that moment when you start closin' in
First you're holding back then surrendering
It can start a fire, light up the sky
Such a simple thing, do you wanna try
Are you ready to
Say goodbye to all these rules

(Chorus)

'Cause maybe tonight
It could turn into the rest of our lives oh yeah
Are you ready
Are you ready
To cross that line put your lips on mine
Put your lips on mine baby
Do you wanna try
Are you ready to
Say goodbye to all these rules

I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight maybe make a little magic baby
Don't wanna go to far just take it slow
But no one should be lonely, I shouldn't be lonely
I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic in the moonlight
Don't wanna go too far just take it slow
But I shouldn't be lonely in this big 'ol world
I wanna kiss a girl
I said I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
I wanna make a little magic out under the moonlight
Mmm, I wanna kiss her now

Working Third...

Well People it is Saturday morning at 3:40 and I am busy working.  My darling Jess is sleeping away at home and I am missing him so much right now.  Every piece of me wishes I could be with him.  I know that I can't and it is killing me.  The good thing is I get three days off before I come back on third on Tuesday.  I know working is a great thing cause I get paid but I really want to be with him.  I know that me wanting to spend the time I have off with him is so crazy to him and gets on his nerves.  He just doesn't understand what that time means to me.  He is my life and I love him more than anything and He is what I want.  I never knew that I would want to be with someone so much.  Jess is my everything, and my heart; He means the world to me and being with him is so important to me.
I truly do not understand how to get him to see that I am not trying to be childish or over-bearing but that I just want him to want to be with me and much as I want him.  I never knew that I would have the trouble of feeling put out by him.  I feel like everytime I try to get close Jesse is pushing me away.  I feel like I can't breath without him around.  Like the life has been sucked out of me and taken away forever. 
Ok, yes I know this all sounds so stupid but it is truly the way I feel.  Jess tries so hard not to talk about this stuff with me so who do I have to understand what I am going through.  I can't make him want to be with me and I know that but I want to make him see that I love spending time with him and being next to him.  I want things to be right, I want them to be the way that I want them to be.  I want Jesse to want to long to be with me like I long to be with him.
I want to be able to take in the moments with him and know that he is taking in every moment just the same.  I want to know that when we are away from each other He is needing me just the same way.  But truly, how do I do this without pushing him, without seeming like I am so in need of everything.  I know that this is truly childish but I don't know whatever way to say how I am feeling about all of the things.
I want to tell him so much and know that he is listening and taking it all in, and not pushing it in one ear and out the other. I figured I could just write down everything and just hope that he understands it and listening to the words that are writen in front of him.  I just truly and lost and don't know what to do.

Well since I took the time to write all this out and spent about ten minutes of my night writing down some of the stuff I am fighting with I guess I will run and try to get some work done before 7 gets here and I finally get to get out of here and spend some time with Jess.  Just hoping that the time is time that we enjoy to the best way and no fighting at each other just happiness to a great time.
I love him and hopefully things with go good the next few days.  I will keep you updated
Have a great Saturday. Hope everyone is enjoying their rest and hope they have a great weekend
Ken<3

Got to learn to sleep...

I have truly got to learn how to sleep without taking meds every night.  I just cannot get my body to get still enough to fall asleep so I end up on the internet looking around and sometimes spending money on clothes and crap I do not really need.

Tonight me and Jess almost had the Jeep started and I really hope we can get it there soon.  He is about to have a cow to get it running so he can get it to Anderson so he can start working on it.  But he is being like every man and wants everything to be running and working in a day.  Such a man I swear.

Well tomorrow is my last day off for two days.  I go back on third on Thursday.  I am kinda excited about cause then I will not have to sleep at night lol.  But tomorrow I have a goal set of cleaning up this nasty room and my nasty car.  I really don't have anything else to do until time to get Chandler from school and go to Liberty so I think I can work on getting all that done.  Since I got caught up on the scrapbook and I left my book at Jess's tonight.  

But If I am going to try to get that done I need to try to get some sleep.  Have a great day tomorrow...

Ken<3

Summer Starting...

Well the month of May has been going great so far.  The first weekend of the month we had my birthday get together with my family and Jesse's family.  We had a great time just talking and hanging out.  My sweet love gave me my sewing machine, which we both love.  Chan had a motive to giving me some new brown flip flops so I would give her's back.  Then mama and daddy gave me a pair of Grey's Anatomy scrubs and I love them I just wish I could wear them everyday to work lol.


Speaking of work, things have been going great.  I am getting tons of hours and I love what I do.  I could never ask for a better job.
This weekend was a good weekend of just hanging around town.  My parents went out of town to North Carolina and I spent the weekend just being with Jess.  Friday I was off work, but slept most the day because I worked third shift on Thursday.  Then Saturday I got up in went in to work but ended up coming home like a few minutes after being there.  So Jesse and I just sat around the house till that afternoon.  Jesse spent the morning playing on the Xbox while I slept on the couch. Afternoon time we finally got dressed and headed out to run around town.  We went to KFC to eat for lunch, which is not my favorite place but it was ok.  Jesse and I seem to have spent five hundred hours in Wal-Mart, well not really but it was about 2-3 hours though for real.  We ended buying Pictionary Man and Battle of the Sexes.  Jesse talked my parents to playing with us that night.  I swear watching Jesse and my Daddy on a team and trying to draw pictures it was so funny.  After our long trip to Wal-Mart, we went to the Dollar Tree, Ross and then back to the house.
Then yesterday was Mother's Day,  HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO MY MAMA, JOY, AND ALL THE OTHER MAMA'S OUT THERE.  Of course I ended up working second shift so I really didn't have a big Mother's Day with my mommy, but I got to see her a little bit and spend time with her on Saturday night. 
I am off for the next three days and then I go back on third shift for Thursday and Friday. So I get to spend my days off with my honey bear after he gets off work. 
Oh yea I know I have been fussing about computer charger and my phone charger.  Well since Jess got a new phone I got his old changer (CHECK THAT OFF) and the Chris brought me the charger to his old HP that Jess brought the screen off of back in February.  So I now have a computer charger that works YAY!!! So now I am pretty good on technology.
I am really want to plan a little getaway for Jess and me.  I want to go to some where like the beach for like two days since during the week it is really cheap for the next few weeks. I just got to get Jess on board with it.  Then I was thinking about going to Atlanta to go to the Aquarium and go hang out around downtown Atlanta.  I don't know just trying to do something fun and kinda cheap.  Any ideas let me know.
So Jesse has decided to redo his CJ-7 Jeep.  I am really proud that he is so excited about working on it.  He is wanting Daddy to help him, so it will be like a little bonding time for them.  He has been looking online at parts and stuff. Ordering free catalogs so he can pick out the stuff he wants to order.  He is not going to start pay on it again and redoing till later this fall when he gets his truck finally paid off. But the sweet thing was he asked me before he choose to do all this because he wants me to know about it because it will cost a pretty little penny, like ten thousand dollars or more.  Yea I about passed out as well.  But I told him, if this is what he wanted, he was going to do it right and not just quick on it half way through or when he gets tired of working on it.  So yea it will cost to do it right.  But I am really excited for him and happy plus proud of him.
So my little project is my scrapbook of mine and Jess.  I am almost caught up with everything.  But I do want us to go out to Clemson and take some summer pics before it gets way to hot.  So I can have some really good pictures of us.  You know I will post some of them up when that does happen lol.
But other that all this going on everything is great.
Have a great day guys
Ken <3