Don't Even Have To Work

          Wow I can't even believe that tonight I don't even have to work but I am up anyway.  I mean come on I don't have to go back on third for one more night so I could at least sleep tonight.  Of course I can't that is always how it works, but seeing how I slept till 2 today and took almost a three hours nap Sunday I am working on a lot of caught up sleep. 

          Well the talking to Jess hasn't gotten any easier, and I am starting to walk on eggshells to make sure I don't do anything crazy.  I mean really he is truly the love of my life and I want to be with him for the rest of it but I am scared I am going to do something that is going to push him out of my life.  I did give him "me time" today so hopefully things will be ok.  I feel like I didn't push to hard today and I hope and pray I did the right thing.  But being away from him is killing me.  I feel like there is a thousand pound weight sitting on my chest that gets heavier every second that I am away from him.  Ok, yes I will admit that I have problems with being apart.  It is apart of the problems that I am still fighting to deal with.  I am sorry that I have to put this on Jess.  I know people need a break sometime but it is really hard for me.  I think today has been a really bad day when it comes to all the meds I take.  I have taken more Ativan today then I have in a while since we have started dating.  I know that it is because of all my problems that I have and I am still having trouble dealing with them at times.  I just really hope that the problems that I have are not going to push Jess away.  I want him to not have to worry about the problems that I have to deal with.  I am just truly scared that the problems I deal with are going to break our relationship down to nothing.

          I am truly more scared of losing him then getting any problems fixed right now.  I have learned tools to help deal just right now it all seems to much.  Past relationships, especially the recent one I just had things started happening about 6 to 7 months in and Jess and I are now at that mark and I am so scared history will repeat itself.  I know that I shouldn't compare past relationships to mine and Jesse's but I am scared and I do.  I really don't want things to be this way and I truly don't know what to do.  I wish I had help with this.  Some kind of help anything really.

          But on another note, I don't know how this weekend coming up is going to go. I hope it is going to be a great weekend and everything will be great.  After Wednesday I am off Thursday and Friday.  Then I go back to work on third shift Saturday and Sunday.  I am just really hoping that my time with Jess with go amazing.  That we will get to enjoy each other without fights and fusses that have been going on the past few weeks.  I am still truly scared that everyday together will be a fight but I have to look for the good, I am praying for the good.

          So I have put on a goal that I have to lose some weight now.  I was looking back at when me and Jesse started dating just 7 months ago and I was so skinny, yes I know and I might not have looked healthy.  But right now I feel like I have gained five thousand pounds and I am not wanting to be this way.  I am scared that Jess is not going to want me anymore.  I don't want to get way to skinny cause Jesse says he wants a girl with meat on her bones.  But come on now I am sure he doesn't want someone with this much meat on them.  I want to look wonderful for Jess, I want him to be proud that I am the girl he is with.

          Just the things that are said sometimes just make me think and it is scary that it could be true that I don't turn Jesse on.  I am just wanting to be everything to him.  Even the looks that he wants and longs after.  I want to be his everything.  So I am going to work my butt off to get that way.

So the Plan:

          Plan for tomorrow is hopefully here in a bit I am going to get some workout clothes on and go for a jog before it gets way to hot out there.  Then I am going to come get dressed and work on washing some clothes.  (Which I need to do more than anything.)  I have to be at Rachel's house at 10:30 to keep Ahna and Joseph for her while she takes Isabell to the dentist.  Then tomorrow afternoon I have to pick Chan up from school and bring her home.  I am going to see the love of my life after that, getting ready for work there and going to work third shift.  Yep that would be the plan tomorrow, now how well I stick to it we will just have to see.

          Hopefully things will go good tomorrow.  Hope yall have a great day

          <3Ken<3

          I haven't post a song in a straight minute and I was sitting here listening to music as I wrote and this song just came on.  This song means something to me not the words really but the song was one of the songs on the CD me and Jess listened to in his truck the first night we met.  So this song with always have a special place in my heart.

     Some Fools Never Learn 

     Steve Wariner

All my friends
Say I should leave you alone
You got a heart like a stone
And a wanderin' eye

And I know that they're right
I can make up my mind
Not to see you again
But you move through my dreams like the wind
It's no good to pretend
It won't happen again
Cause it'll happen again

Some fools never learn
Play with the fire
And you're gonna get burned
It's only love
When you're loved in return
Some fools never learn
Some fools never learn

And Baby I tried
But I'm just not that strong
Guess I knew all along
But that's not enough
I was falling in love

And you don't know it
But I came over tonight
There was somebody's car parked outside
Damn my eyes
Damn this heart of mine
I drove off into the night

Some fools never learn
Play with the fire
And you're gonna get burned
It's only love
When your loved in return
Some fools never learn
Some fools never learn

Somewhere in the city tonight
There's a girl and she's lonely like me
She'll be easy to see
And naturally
She'll have that look in her eye
She'll be feeling that way
I see it all plain as day
Oh I'll never be
What she wants me to be
Oh but lucky for me

Some fools never learn
Play with the fire
And you're gonna get burned
It's only love
When your loved in return
Some fools never learn
Some fools never learn
Some fools never learn

Then the next song that started playing was the song I played for Jess right before I kissed him for the first time.  The memories just make me smile I swear.

     Kiss A Girl

     Keith Urban

To kiss and tell it's just not my style
But the night is young and it's been awhile
And she broke my heart, broke it right in two
And it took some time but I'm feeling like I'm
Finally ready to find, find somebody new

Chorus:
I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic in the moonlight
Don't wanna go too far just take it slow
But I shouldn't be lonely in this big 'ol world
I wanna kiss a girl

It's that moment when you start closin' in
First you're holding back then surrendering
It can start a fire, light up the sky
Such a simple thing, do you wanna try
Are you ready to
Say goodbye to all these rules

(Chorus)

'Cause maybe tonight
It could turn into the rest of our lives oh yeah
Are you ready
Are you ready
To cross that line put your lips on mine
Put your lips on mine baby
Do you wanna try
Are you ready to
Say goodbye to all these rules

I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight maybe make a little magic baby
Don't wanna go to far just take it slow
But no one should be lonely, I shouldn't be lonely
I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic in the moonlight
Don't wanna go too far just take it slow
But I shouldn't be lonely in this big 'ol world
I wanna kiss a girl
I said I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
I wanna make a little magic out under the moonlight
Mmm, I wanna kiss her now